I don’t need anyone’s validation.
The kindest thing I ever did for myself in terms of love was letting it go when it no longer fought for me knowing that love shouldn’t be something I must set myself on fire for just to keep hold of it—for that’s not passion—that’s crap.Juansen Dizon
The Uber driver looked up quizzically but it didn’t matter. Time stood still for me at the back of the car, as I watched the street signs change. The empty Boston roads stirred in me strange feelings that I couldn’t really pinpoint. I felt small. A speck of dust in the universe.
“Are you sure, ma’am?” he asked, bewildered.
I had never been more sure of anything in my entire life. I wondered if moments like this could ever be my own. Moments where I did nothing and simply allowed time to wash over me. Moments to myself that I didn’t have to share or explain to anyone.
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to do anything, I just wanted to be.
Life is a series of linear events that eventually leads everyone to the same outcome: death. It is inevitable. I don’t know why I spend so much time worrying about school, grades, and what other people think of me, when in the end, it is all the same.
Yes, I should strive to be the best version of myself, but isn’t it kind of pointless? Life is a game I’m not supposed to win. No one is supposed to win. We’re all here to play, aren’t we?
Like some wise person said: it is not the destination, but the journey. We need to stop thinking about the future and what could be, and just be.
Slow down, and think for a second; aren’t you where you’re supposed to be?
I’m floating. I’m lying on my back and staring up – basking underneath the sun’s rays. I am floating on an infinite ocean-pool alone. Floating, for the most part, sounds like something good, right? A good floaty feeling, perhaps. But this is not the case. Floating in water- body about one-third below the surface, bobbling and balancing – does not feel good. There is no support, and although my heart is reaching toward the surface, it is not getting anywhere. It will only ever be just at the surface of the water.
This strange trickly sense of floating reminds me of feeling numb. But, with a twist. Ears below water, and eyes on the clouds, I am both above and below at the same time. I’m here in the present, but I’m also not. The water beneath me sets everything in slow motion and the air above me reminds me that time is passing normally.
How do I push myself up from the water to get my entire body up to the surface? There’s nowhere to go, and I don’t want to use all my energy. I’m already using a lot of energy trying to balance myself between underwater and over-water.
So I plug my nose and close my eyes. I let myself sink. I drown.
oh how sad it is
to be so afraid
of being too happy
because you feel
that any minute,
things will change
that happiness will be ripped
of your fingertips
the moment that
you claim it;
the moment that you
start to realize
that you deserve it
I felt sad today and it was great.
I think it’s important to be able to distinguish the difference between being sad and being depressed. To me, being depressed is a constant state, and being sad is a feeling that passes. (Depression passes too, eventually, but you know what I mean).
I felt sad today and it was great. Because that meant that I wasn’t sad to begin with. Not sad, not depressed, just okay, and I didn’t even realize it.
I feel strange and excited and floaty because I’m finally seeing progress. I’m proud of myself, I think. Yay. I’m not really sure what to write about anymore because I’m in a pretty good mood and I’m not feeling ranty or angsty. So, I’m going to go enjoy the rest of this day. Thanks for checking in, I hope you have a sad-happy day too!
Today, I woke up with the strangest sense of clarity.
I’m more awake than I’ve ever been. And I think everything is going to be okay.